Sorry there’s no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you’ll need after Black Friday.

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I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have no idea what I’m talking about.

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Your Christmas present is more meaningful if you had to pepper spray someone to get it.

I May Have Over-Trusted That Fart

Congratulations to Penn State students on displaying the exact amount of intelligence it takes to get into Penn State…

Congratulations on being only 19 babies away from your own reality show!

Sorry the America you fought for is a place that would make the movie Jack and Jill

By far the WORST movie ever made.

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May Conrad Murray someday be Lindsay Lohan’s prison doctor

LOL PWNED!

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LOL - You are everything I have never wanted.

Sorry that bad boys make you cry =(

Let’s hope the jokes about Kim Kardashian’s marriage don’t last longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

I want to spend the rest of the next 72 days of my life with you.

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I take it as a personal challenge to reserve my true thoughts about your ugly baby’s picture.

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I’m sorry that there are now 7 billion people in the world and you are still single.

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Movember is my favorite time of year for unironic facial hair

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